Reality Check

I secluded myself – almost completely – from the world, for three entire weeks. I can’t remember why I thought this would be beneficial for me when I took the decision. I know that I was desperate for some privacy, but I am also aware that I can’t live without people around me for long.

It is true, for the first while, I enjoyed the peace and relished in the privacy, but after a few days, not even a week, had gone by, I realized I cannot detach myself from the chaos of it all. In spite of my picking up on this fact early on, I still decided to challenge myself and extended my two weeks stay into three.

In fact, after the first three days, I wrote a little tale detailing all the wondrous improvements I had been noticing about myself due to my independence. I went on and on about how I am sticking to my diet, how I miss TV but can live without it, how I am thinking of turning off my phone and many more components that I found myself truly enjoying then.

Now though, three weeks into it instead of three days, I have to admit that I cannot live without TV, that I prefer reading in the noisy coffee shop, that I am not happier, that my fear of disgusting insects cannot be abolished, that I am thrilled when my phone rings, that no matter how much I try or how hard I try to convince myself, I am just not into exercise. I am also now sure that I will not be taking my photographic skills to the next level any time soon, well unless I stumble upon a huge sum of money that I could spare too, in order for me to buy the right equipment for the endeavor.

I have been spending way too much time online during my stay here. Not that I didn’t do that before I came here, but never to this extent. Trying to get away from the people in my life led me to get mixed up with people in my virtual one. Online fun used to be just that, fun. Now it took a serious turn and I realized that drama and stupidity could follow me everywhere, even through a virtual network of nonexistent wires and abstract connections. Thus I needed this reality check to ground myself again and be more appreciative of the tangible relations I am blessed and sometimes honored to have in my real life. I am not denying that I have met some fantastic people online, and in many cases those people have become deeply cherished friends, but I am saying that I am now more aware of the boundaries and hopefully a little less trusting of just anyone.

My stay in here also proved to me how much I love drinking and exactly how much I miss it. I tried to stay away from the Jack Daniels bottle that kept eyeing me every time I opened the fridge, I really did, but when I found myself surrounded by a bunch of delightful friends for my birthday, I had to give in and have a couple of drinks, even though I am still not cleared for drinking due to my liver condition.

My birthday happened to be within the weeks of my seclusion, and hard as try, for the life of me I don’t understand why everyone was so nice to me for my birthday. I am not complaining, that is for sure, but I am stunned, seeing that I had been nothing but rude to everyone the past year. I was really surprised by everyone’s kindness and understanding towards me. I realized I am blessed with friends I barely deserve and a family I definitely don’t.

My feelings about my birthday are slightly annoying to me this year. I am starting to feel age weighing on me, although 26 is relatively still very young according to most people. I don’t like the fact that I am feeling the cold this year and that I am shivering even. I have mixed emotions about being so close to becoming 30 years old. I find myself way underachieved and can’t help but blame myself for it. This isn’t where I had pictured my life to be at this age. I should have established myself somehow by now. But looking at the facts, I am in no way near fulfilling that path. I am still unemployed. I am barely making ends meet. I am not in a serious relationship, if in any at all. I am not the best person I could be. I haven’t learned enough skills as dictated by my potential. I have indeed done the basic stuff; I have graduated, gained experience, tried being in relationships, the works, but it somehow all feels void when nothing is consistent or stable.

But at the end of the day, I am an incorrigible optimist. I could nag for another hour, but deep down, I know I still have hope for the better in every possible way and regarding every possible aspect. I just need to trust that at the age of 26 I will be fortunate again and that I will appreciate it. So here is for hope, motivation, confidence and change.