Reminiscence

When does one stop reminiscing on the good old days? Why did we fail to notice how good they were when we were living them? Why is it that we have missed on savoring those days when we had the chance to do so?

So many phases, so many friends, so many moments… Why did they seem so ordinary at the time? Why do they seem so special now? 

What was it that was missing then and what is it that they can fulfill now?

Most people’s memories are triggered by a place, a song, a situation… Mine begs to differ: it is triggered by its pure and simple existence. I keep finding myself lost in thought, going back in time, trying to recapture those moments and those friends in their purest essence. 

I look like I have moved on. I haven’t. My all remains in those days. Each meaningful day that passes keeps a token of me in it. My mind keeps living those days and those days keep hacking into my system in turn. 

I wish the relationship I have with my days is a platonic one, but it isn’t. It is definitely a lot more sadistic than I would have liked it to be. 

I can even find it in me to feel nostalgic about the bad days. I can’t push myself to regret them. Something about those bad ones, or something about me for that matter, just can’t overcome them. 

Do you smell unresolved issues? Ah well, maybe.

Do you think I might be a bit off? I am. I am not sure what the hell I am writing about. 

I am looking around me today, trying to do some effort, trying to fit in somehow. I can’t. It is as if today wasn’t in my calendar, as if I am being compelled to live a day I wasn’t meant to live. I was supposed to skip this day. 

Not that there is anything different about today. Today looks almost exactly like all my unemployed status days. I just don’t feel like living it today.

Because I Have Nothing Better To Do

I considered reading, but I am not in the mood. Instead, I decided to lose my virtual poker chips while listening to depressing songs. 

I am sure you have heard this advice before, but there is no harm in repeating it: Don't listen to depressing songs when you are already depressed. 

I am sure that like myself, you never listen to your own advices. 

Question: Are anxiety and impatience caused by depression, or is depression generated by anxiety and impatience?

Comes a moment when the only people you can stand are the exact same bunch who can't tolerate you at this very moment.

No need to elaborate on the ones you can't currently stand and who, for some reason, won't leave you the hell alone at least till it goes away. What would it be you may ask. I can call it depression but I am not sure if it is the correct term for it.

Whatever it is that I am going through right now, there are some adjectives that can describe it, but no scientific term that I know of that can give it justice by name. It is sad, pathetic and peculiarly mind numbing.

Did I bring this upon myself, or was it merely universal justice?

I am suffocating by the sight of the same people, over and over and over again.

Self esteem: Is it its lack or its abundance that is fueling this feeling?

I am in deep shit, shit caused by arrogance, stupidity and lack of analysis. I just throw myself into impossible situations. I am aware it is my choice. I still blame it on others. 

And where the hell is my stop button?? Just STOP!!

Lack of control. Lack of will. 

French rock tunes. I hope they help me out of this mood.