I Am A Sinner I Am A Saint

What is the difference really? It all boils down to what exactly? Everything is relative. What you may find wrong I may find right and vice versa. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am not defending sinners or sins; I am just trying to figure it out. 

But wouldn’t you agree if I said that almost every pleasure on this planet is in one way or the other sinful? Not necessarily sinful in regards to one’s own, but perhaps to someone else. 

What are the rules? How far can one push the limits? 

I remember a civism lesson in which we learned that “your freedom stops when the freedom of others begins”. This is a literal translation. I am not sure why I associated it in my mind with the sinners’ subject. The important thing is that I did and now I should find the connection. 

Should I stop in my tracks and refrain what I am thinking of doing because it might be hurtful to others – though not so at all to me? Should others’ rights be respected by me? Are they really entitled for those rights? Why are those rights theirs and not mine?

I have tried to put myself in other people’s shoes. I couldn’t. I am not the others and the others are not me. I may never know the harm I am causing them unless I get to be in their position someday.

Till that day arrives – if it ever does – should I be blamed? Should I really care?

I am not a monster. I do have some feelings. I do feel sympathy for example. But I am also selfish. 

I am selfish and I am not afraid to admit it. Everyone knows it. It is not something I try to shadow. 

But how far can I take this selfishness before it gets me into real trouble?

Should I fear the trouble? Should I dread the consequences? Should I step back?

Should I this, should I that.

I wish the series of questions would stop at could I this, could I that. 

Because I could. Because I can. 

Because I want to.

Because in my twisted world, I want to, and in my compulsive mind, I have to.

Sorry for all the abstractness, but although I want to, although I have to, although I could, although I can, although I shouldn’t, I am not proud.

People In My Life, Forgive Me

People in my life, you deserve an apology.
People in my life, forgive me.

Forgive me for I have sinned.
Forgive me for I have lost my mind at times.
Forgive me for I haven't been totally honest with you.
Forgive me for I got scared.
Forgive me for I lost control.
For I gave in to an outburst.
For I got you entangled in my misery.
Forgive me for I am miserable.
Forgive me for I sometimes wipe my fake smile away.
For I use you.
For I abuse you.
Forgive me for I felt sorry for myself.
Forgive me for I have claimed innocence.
Forgive me for I cried.
For I lied.
For I was lied to.
For I took advantage of you.
For I let you take advantage of me.
Forgive me for I am weak.
For I am weaker than you.
Forgive me for my impatience.
Forgive me for my hastiness.
Forgive me for my ego.
For my vanity.
For my shallowness.
Forgive me for I have been selfish.
For I took it to extreme levels.
For I believed.
For I got deceived.
Forgive me for I was obnoxious.
Forgive me for I have treated you wrongly.
For I have let you treat me so.
Forgive me for the nostalgia I feed on.
Forgive me for my routine.
Forgive me for my dullness.
Forgive me for my security.
Forgive me for my self confidence.
Forgive me for my lack of confidence.
Forgive me for I seemed strong.
For I was not.
Forgive me for I let myself shatter.
Forgive me for I have let you shatter me.
Forgive me for my ambitions.
For my talent.
For my faults.
For my stubbornness.

Forgive me for I have sinned.

Forgive me for last night, for I was lost and now am found.

Forgive me for using biblical terms.
Forgive me for I have lost my faith.
Forgive me for I have problems.
For my trouble.
For yours.

Forgive me for my denial.
Forgive me for my pushiness.
Forgive me for my fantasies.
Forgive me for the world I built for myself.
For the nutshell I live in.
For the countries I have never visited.
For the trips I took.
For the trips I will never take.
For the sacrifices I made.
For the ones I will never make.

Forgive me for I was ingrate.
Forgive me for I have lost my grace.
Forgive me for I haven't been nice.
For I have given up.
For I have shown the truth at times.
For I have been myself at times.
For I have forgotten who you were at times.

Forgive me for I have ignored you.
For you have ignored me.
Forgive me for I had hoped.
For the hopes came true.
For the truth didn't last.

Forgive me for I was frail.
For I was fragile.
For I am frail.
For I am fragile.

Forgive me for I still have ambitions.
For I still have hopes.
For I yearn.
For I yearn for success.
For I yearn for health.
For I yearn for love.
Forgive me for I will never change.
Forgive me for I want to change.
Forgive me for I can't change.

Forgive me for I have let opportunities slide.
For I haven't made the effort.
For I have made the effort.
For I have stopped making the effort.

Forgive me for I am but human.
For I speak my mind.
For I don't.
For I love.
For I hate.
For I am needy.
For I am greedy.
For I never get enough.

Forgive me for it takes me time to withdraw.
Forgive me for I don't withdraw.
Forgive me for I can't leave my world.
For I take it with me wherever I go.

Forgive me for I want to let go.
Forgive me for I can't.

People in my life, forgive me.
Forgive me for my regrets.
Forgive me for I want to repent.
Forgive me... for I can't.