As usual, I have nothing in
particular to talk about. This is mainly because I have so much energy right
now and I am terribly unsure of what to do with it; I figured maybe the urge
would leave me once I typed, and typed, and typed. I shall update you at the
end of this post.
Till then, let us yap a bit.
What a fabulous month it has
been! The only month I could link this one to would probably be February 2009. A
lot, and I mean a lot has changed since then; but the vibe this December is
generating reminds me of 09, of that particular month. I think what I am
feeling is called happiness. I don’t believe I have ever been able to fully
grasp that feeling, but February 09 and December 2012 may be the closest I have
come to experience it on any scale.
I can’t even begin to describe
what tremendous warmth it gives me to be surrounded by my friends. Life tends
to separate us often, to send us each to a different corner of the world in
pursuit of a future so hazy that it makes us sometimes wonder, what are we
really after? But then comes the rare reunion, the ever so far apart
get-togethers, and something suddenly makes sense, even if it is just for a
fleeting moment. Maybe what we so harshly deem as unfair is deep down the only
thing that will ever make sense.
Maybe I am being too optimistic -
I know I am being a lot more optimistic than usual at any rate – but maybe I am
simply being realistic – which I rarely am. Too philosophical? perhaps. In any
case, I am having a rare moment of clarity, the kind of moment one wishes would
never go away, would be forever encrusted in one’s psyche. It has something to
do with understanding why one shouldn’t party every night or else it wouldn’t make
one merrier every time. It has something to do with swallowing the fact that we
only get paid once every month. It perfectly explains why I can’t listen to
music every day, why I can’t watch a movie every night, why I am ever so rarely
happy – or close to experiencing the feeling. It is about the wait, about the
anticipation, and about the downsizing of expectations before becoming
completely apt and totally ready to savor a moment.
I have come to realize that I
cannot enjoy anything unless I had previously been deprived of it one way or
another. One way or another… that is a song, one of many that need to be
enjoyed every now and then. Enough with
parentheses though. One of the many things pacing my little brain tonight is
how to apply my oh-so-deep theories to my actual life. Abstract relationships
aside, I suck at applying any of the above. I am the champion of failure when
it comes to depriving myself of dinner once every 12 months, let alone
depriving myself of a cigarette or a drink even.
When does one reach some level of
perfection, or equilibrium to be more down to earth? The word I am looking for
here might be harmony. It feels as if I will never get anywhere unless I
achieve harmony, one way or another. That is a song by the way, or did I
mention that already?
I could be wrong though, I keep
contradicting myself tonight. Because if I were to be correct with all of the
above yapping, it can only mean one thing and one thing only: I have been
preaching nothing but crap for the past 26 years.
And what if I was? And who really
cares? And who cares about the new theory? Not me that is for sure. I am just
writing for the sake of typing, of releasing mixed energies.
Will I ever look back at this
article and wonder? Will you? Perhaps yes. Probably not.
Part of me feels like wrapping
this up, getting dressed, joining the party, getting filthy drunk and losing my
job tomorrow. The other part feels like…Well let us just say I still have a
rational part left in my silly little brain. I am not sure which part I hate
the most and which I hold the dearest to my heart. And since we are at it, what
I despise above all is the fact that one part always wins and the balance is
never achieved.
Is it obvious how happy I was
when I started this and how miserable I became afterwards? It wasn’t
intentional. It was influential. Call me nuts but I think I just managed to
absorb some of a pretty boy’s melancholic vibes. Maybe I am hoping he will reciprocate
one day, some day, under the stars of a silky raining sky, overlooking the
lights of an ever so luring city, when the wait is over, when the anticipation
has reached its peak, and when the expectations have simply ceased to exist.
